Thursday, July 21, 2011

Baby's Got Bling

Toddlers and Tiaras

What better way to perk up a dull afternoon than to tune in to watch overweight stage moms parade their children around like show dogs?

I can think of no other way.

Lessons from the tiniest little divas (and their parents):

  1. Spray tanning starts at 11 months old. Let's face it. There is nothing less attractive than a pale baby.
  2. Spray tanning can be expensive, but don't worry. You can learn how to do it at home OR  just go down to the local auto paint and body.
  3. If spray tanning isn't for you, just remember that a natural tan makes her "a lot more, um, prettial and natural" than other girls.
  4. Are you a gay man trying to pass as straight? Look no further. You can marry a pageant mom, learn to sew rhinestones on dresses, and become a "diva dad". It fools everyone.
  5. Pageants are stressful. Make sure before her big day, your little diva has a spa day to unwind. Being four is tough.
  6. Never leave for a pageant without "special juice" and "treats" also known as Red Bull and Pixie Stix.
  7. You have a natural advantage just by being pretty. "Popular kids aren't ugly. Kids that are pretty get recognized sooner... It's just the way of the world...y'all need to, like, live in the real world."
  8. No one likes a unibrow. That's why it's important to start eyebrow maintenance early with shaving and waxing. No pain. No gain.
  9. Always travel to the glitz pageants held in fancy hotels like Holiday Inn or in school gymnasiums. Local pageants are completely unfair. The kids that have cancer or some illness always sway the judges. 
  10. Your child's name should make a statement. (Examples: Paisley, Jackynn, Aniston, Maverick, Tootie, Jayla, and Saryniti (pronounced serenity))
Television gold. Sometimes, you need a little comic relief in your day. Where would the world be without terrible reality television? If nothing else, it certainly makes me feel like mom of the year.


  1. Hey don't forget also, about pageant candy (aka sugar cubes). And of course never compete with someone in their 20s, your kid will lose. You're 4 year old is not as poised and graceful at the 20 year old. Sorry.

  2. Haha! I forgot about those gems. Thanks!